Wednesday, August 5, 2009

The Constant Battle!

I seem to be locked in a constant battle for my sanity. Between fighting the constant pain I am in, the nightmares & crazy dreams where I awaken, not knowing where or when I am. I rarely leave my apartment these days, I can't wake up in the daytime to go to work, I am awake during the night, trying to find a way to numb the pain so I can sleep, but when I get to sleep it is broken with nightmares & strange dreams, sometimes I am with fallen comrades, or with my old brothers in Iraq. Some nights I wake up screaming or swinging, I have attacked my stand up light a few times, I still reach for my m-4 or 12-gauge & still feel the panic when they are not there. I have not been able to make my appointments with the VA Hospital, because I can not wake up. I hobble around like an old man on the real bad days. I hate to go out, because I feel peoples eyes on me as I hobble around. I am unable to work, because I can't get up, & don't know if I can work through the pain.

I have exhausted my savings, the few dollars I get from the VA, does not help much. I have tried to make up for some with twitads, revtwt & Google adsense, but don't get enough clicks to really make a difference. Chatting with my friends on twitter & blip-fm helps me to keep my sanity. I also have some Veteran friends on here, that helps me realize that I am not the only one going thru this. I get to read their blogs, & see that this is a common problem, suffered by many War Veterans, I have some friends in English, & Australian Military that suffer from these PTSD problems. Also I see that their military do not give a damn about their veterans, just like the United States Army does not. It is pathethic how we, who amswered the call to duty, get treated like beggars by the corrupt and inept Army Medical Evaluation Boards (MEB) & Army Physical Evaluation Board (PEB). It is hard for me to accept, that at 47, I am broken down, and will have to spend the rest of my life, in pain, and fighting this constant battle.