Wednesday, August 5, 2009

The Constant Battle!

I seem to be locked in a constant battle for my sanity. Between fighting the constant pain I am in, the nightmares & crazy dreams where I awaken, not knowing where or when I am. I rarely leave my apartment these days, I can't wake up in the daytime to go to work, I am awake during the night, trying to find a way to numb the pain so I can sleep, but when I get to sleep it is broken with nightmares & strange dreams, sometimes I am with fallen comrades, or with my old brothers in Iraq. Some nights I wake up screaming or swinging, I have attacked my stand up light a few times, I still reach for my m-4 or 12-gauge & still feel the panic when they are not there. I have not been able to make my appointments with the VA Hospital, because I can not wake up. I hobble around like an old man on the real bad days. I hate to go out, because I feel peoples eyes on me as I hobble around. I am unable to work, because I can't get up, & don't know if I can work through the pain.

I have exhausted my savings, the few dollars I get from the VA, does not help much. I have tried to make up for some with twitads, revtwt & Google adsense, but don't get enough clicks to really make a difference. Chatting with my friends on twitter & blip-fm helps me to keep my sanity. I also have some Veteran friends on here, that helps me realize that I am not the only one going thru this. I get to read their blogs, & see that this is a common problem, suffered by many War Veterans, I have some friends in English, & Australian Military that suffer from these PTSD problems. Also I see that their military do not give a damn about their veterans, just like the United States Army does not. It is pathethic how we, who amswered the call to duty, get treated like beggars by the corrupt and inept Army Medical Evaluation Boards (MEB) & Army Physical Evaluation Board (PEB). It is hard for me to accept, that at 47, I am broken down, and will have to spend the rest of my life, in pain, and fighting this constant battle.


  1. You are not alone. I'm here with you and more importantly, so is God.

    You are fighting the VA on this claim, right? You know that is an option?

    I am sorry you are having nightmares, brother. You really need to see someone about them and sometimes just talking about them with someone willing to listen helps alot.

    In '07, I was at Fort Huachuca for the umpteenth time, and my best friend talked about his experiences over drinks with me on many occasions. I am an introvert bout my personal experiences (which can be bad sometimes), but he talked and talked. Finally, I sez, "Is it therapeutic for you to share all of this with me? Cause I don't mind listening." He told me that it definitely was that and even though we'd been friends forever, I think it made us closer.

    Again, if there is any help that I can give you, don't hesitate to ask.

  2. Thanks Brother, sorry it has just been a bad few weeks, and I guess I just needed to vent, so I vented on the blog. I slept all day again, I have to make new appointments at the VA, then get up to make it to them. What helps, is having other Vetrans, like u, out there that share the same experiences. Thanks again, brother.

  3. Just take care, and make sure you fight the VA for your benefits. From all you've said, you deserve them. Have you talked to your congressperson? Most are advocates for service members.

  4. One day at a time, SgtMac. All the sayings seem useless, and I just want to help. You're on my prayer list, I'm living proof that miracles do happen. How do we 'fix' it, not just numbing pain but where you feel progress, hopefulness? My daughter is about your age, Desert Storm vet, ret mil(15yr Sig), and has some residuals..not like yours. I'm sending this on to her (FT Bragg), to see if she has any suggestion for me (or you).
    I think she is one of the smartest, toughest , focused, tenacious people ever!
    I'm also on Blip (Dancer12), Twitter (Dancer30815), Facebook, Myspace, and am the hardest working grandma in Augusta. I can tweet, post.
    In your corner, cheering you on!(And

  5. Hang in there brotha.. The best advice I can give is that with time those nightmares become recurring and when they do you sort of know what to do in those nightmares or able to handle them in a way in your head that makes it easier. You end up copping better with them and they dont effect you as badly. Old friends become your strength in your everyday life.

    Look around you for those who give you a reason to fight. Much like you do when you suited up before heading out.

    Your fan in the corner...
    91 Bravo out...

  6. Hang in there mate. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time of late.

    Sorry I can't offer any words of advice, but hang in there.

  7. SgtMac, know you're busy, or out of commission with pains/systm headaches, but wanted to take a min to tell you I miss seeing you on
    You would have appreciated some of today...Kohmahts blipped the Marines memorial song in honor of a family's fallen soldier.
    backtoback reblipped. I reblipped it. texman2 reblipped it.
    Then sonioushka blipped another memorial song, adding a comment to ward off any negatives, saying she would drop them! (she/he??)
    Thot you would appreciate it. I did...sometimes wonder if ordinary people, in ordinary walk of life, appreciate those who serve to keep our country free.
    You'll remain on my prayer list. My daughter gave me a name, Laurie Ott, to contact about volunteering, helping in some way.
    Will let you know, and I thank you for the inspiration and motivation. Blessings upon you from the hardest working grandma in Augusta, flo

  8. Noticed you played a bit of "Gary Allan" in Blip tonight. Good guy if you ever get the chance to meet the man. I tell you met several country stars but "Gary" is a true and blue kinda guy with appreciatan for his fans. All round good guy. Glad to see you play one of my favorite song he ever did "Smoke Rings in the Dark" Man I love he sings that song dark with a "Whiskey" drawl.. The just dont make singers like that Gary anymore. Glad to say I lived in Gary's home town for a length of time in Bakersfield. Hang in there Brotha.

  9. Thank u my friends, & brothers for words of support, did not mean to have such a negative post. I just needed to vent, & this seemed the best way to do it. Thanks again!

  10. You really need to see someone about them and sometimes just talking about them with someone willing to listen helps alot.

    Work from home India